fresh from the soil:

I have lived in seven different places in the past six years, and I still don’t know where the ducks in New York City go in wintertime when the pond in Central Park is frozen over. I don’t know why I’m carrying all this stuff around, and where all the questions go when I ask them. There are so many things I want to do, and how will I ever really know when to stop wanting? I don’t aspire to be jaded.

Hey, are you lonely? Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground, and that damage was done.

A vacation by myself seems very necessary at this point. Or maybe only with few select people, none of whom you would expect to be on the list. I’d very much like to see the ocean, and read some books. Monotony and mediocrity are exhausting. You know that dreadful feeling of ache and haze that you get when you sleep for too long? That’s the only way I know how to describe my life to you as of right now. I just feel numb and groggy and everything is so slow and repetitive. I’m ready to throw everything away and start fresh.

I’m ready for something epic to happen. Liberation, and a step towards something unexpectedly beautiful. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with believing that I deserve that. But what is wrong, however, is not fighting for whatever I’m looking for - simply thinking I will get lucky. I don’t want it to be reduced to that. Blessings, I sincerely believe, must be relentlessly pursued and participated in.

I want to be cool and light and happy and satisfied for once in my life with who I am and the direction I’m headed in. I want to have witty and insightful conversations with a boy who reads books and climbs mountains and loves his sister. I want to eat sushi with Emily and talk about something other than mistakes. It has been a long time, and I’m tired of looking back, but she is stubborn. I want to watch the stars and sleep outside. I want to sing in a coffee shop. I really want to be genuinely excited. I want to laugh and kiss and strive and feel young and alive, not like I wasted all this time growing up for a world and reality that isn’t worth the yearning.

It’s high time I belong to myself, trade my wishbone for a backbone, get rid of masks and pride and actually become the person I want to be – and I’m so ready to risk everything to get there.